Many people looking to break into Hollywood seek advice, and most advicers out there are very serious. By coupling my limited experience with my extensive knowledge of stereotypes and sweeping generalities, I have written 10 VERY GREATEST ADVICES FOR HOLLYWOOD SCREENWRITERS* that you can take to heart. I included expressive emoji for actor "hyphenates" so they can follow along.
* This advice might not help you get a job or sell a script.
Ask yourself two questions:
"Do I want to do The Sex with this actor?" and, "Do I have ANY CHANCE of doing The Sex with this actor?"
If the answer to either is "No," that actor is not right for the part because they are not serious about their craft. 💆
You hear a lot of tragic stories about hopeful, young creatives moving to Hollywood to pursue their dreams only to become hooked on The Dope. They lose their way, their money, and their careers. The key to avoiding this is buying a lot of drugs at once so you get a discount price, then sell them to the aforementioned people. 😎
3. SUCCESSFUL PITCHES
Bring a gun to your meeting. Lay it on the desk, conference table, or your lap BEFORE pitching. 🙌
Find a way to draw attention to yourself. If you do not live in LA, consider repeatedly disrobing in, or near, high-traffic areas. If you are already in LA, you will need to find another way to set yourself apart from the crowd. See #2. 👯
5. FALLING IN WITH THE WRONG CROWD
Also known as musicians and actors. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED +++++ 🎸
6. MAINTAIN A PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE
The truth is that everyone talks shit, especially in showbusiness. The key to a successful career is learning how to do so PROFESSIONALLY:
If you only talk trash about others' work, you can call it "CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM" and hook a job as a D-person; if your trash-talk is political in nature, you are a shoo-in for cable "news" networks, talk radio, and awards shows; if your shit-talking is petty, facile, humorless, and personally-motivated, you can submit it to SNL for immediate Consideration. 💩
7. OWN A CAR
Nobody walks in LA, yet no one owns a car. Request ridiculous amounts of "gas money" from "friends" you drive to auditions and meetings. Use that money to buy drugs you can then sell to said "friends" following their rejection. Be sure to leave these people at their destinations so they are forced to call and ask you to pick them up - that way you can charge them for gas money TWICE. Also, you have a place to sleep. 🚙
8. ALWAYS CARRY AN UMBRELLA
The weather never changes in Southern California, but you should always be prepared! People will think of you as, "That asshole with the umbrella" - until it rains!
Then you will become known as, "That asshole RENTING the umbrella." 💦
9. KNOW YOUR DEADLINES
You will need time to rehearse your excuses when you miss them. ⏰
10. DEALING WITH ACTORS
I hope you find these advice helpful. Some may say these are "bad advices" from a "bitter cynic" who is "procrastinating" instead of "working." Those people are not the boss of you - and, if they are, they should be avoided. Should this post disappear or be reported, it is because THEY do not want you to know the keys to Hollywood success. Enjoy being creative and work harder at being happier.
If you need help with that, hit me up - I'm the guy by the car with the umbrella. 👍
© The Weirding, 2017