The Phantom Smell Made Solid... er, Liquid

Yes, yes, PRs a-coming, I just had to tell you about this because... well, I have no shame:

You know how I've been talking about "The Phantom Smell" as late, right? Well, keep up, would you? For the past several months or so, I have been getting these wafts of sheer rancor and I did everything to find the source of this hatred - everything - to no avail. I emptied and washed trash cans, got under shelves and cabinets, pulled the furniture out from the walls and cleaned under them... nothing.

So tonight, I'm cleaning, and I opened the cabinet where I keep the Christmas decorations...

And there it set:

A bag of potatoes that had liquified.

Yes, you read that right: liquified!

There was a thin, brown syrup pouring from the cabinet, pooling beneath the kitchen shelves where no one could see. The smell kicked me squarely in the sack, doubling me over. I fell to the ground (carefully, so as to avoid the pool of putrescence) and gagged. Quickly, I snatched a kitchen rag and began the search for the boric acid. Sadly, I have none, so I used glass cleaner instead - but it was a generic brand and it did little to help clean the fetid coagulation around the outside of the murky soup. I scrubbed and scrubbed and got the nastiness up, but not the smell.

Finally, I turned to the lemon-scented furniture polish and sprayed until the can was light. It took nearly an entire roll of paper towels to get the mess up and I had to throw out an otherwise empty garbage bag, but it was well worth it. Within a few weeks, the smell will finally be gone and there will be no more gnats, no more phantom smells.

Of course, by then, I plan to have moved... assuming I am not in jail for something else I didn't do.