Metallica to Record New Album for Wesson Oil (For Mayren)

*This is a Satirical Post*

Metallica is slated to begin recording a new album in March or April and Wesson Oil is the sponsor. All of the band members got tattoos on their foreheads and/or wrists which proudly declare their affiliation with the cooking oil sensation's company. Rated-B -- by far the meanest motherfluffers in modern-day history -- caught-up with the band and offered to push their wheelchairs for free, if they'd only talk to us.

"It's gonna be sizzlin'," says drummer and long-time band member, Lars Ulrich, "It's gonna cook!"

"We're um, we're like, it's like... we've got to do this because Wesson Oil told us we had to and we apparently signed a contract with them, at some point, during some meeting at which I was not present," says long-time guitarist, Kirk Hammett.

"But it's not like I'm mad or angry or upset or anything, because I'm not. I'm very thankful that I got to play my guitar, because I kinda always wanted to play guitar and be really good at it and have people appreciate my talent. I think I may have said too much. And it's not like I'm that afraid. I mean, really."

"This album will be the hottest thing ever!" said longtime frontman and total sell-out, James Hetfield. Sporting his latest tattoo, Wesson Oil, straight across his forehead and on both wrists, he told Rated-B, "Heavy metal means heavy pans, and heavy pans require Wesson Oil. This new album is going to pop like sprinkling water into a heavy metal panful of hot Wesson Oil that's ready to fry - you know, chickens, or maybe burgers, or dogs and shit. I never wanted a tattoo before I met Wesson Oil execs, but now that I've actually eaten food, I don't feel like I've been a total knob my entire life. I totally get it, and if you say I don't, I'll beat the eff out of you."

When asked if he had ever actually eaten real food before this point, ever, Hetfield threw a temper tantrum, as well as the chair he'd been sitting in, reminded us that his family was raised Christian Scientist, then asked why we were even there. Told that he had scheduled the interview, he broke down and cried, then barfed on his black tennis shoes, then told us to get the "eff" out, then told us to come back because he was really sorry, then reminded us that we were under contract to be there, then told us that we were never hired, then hit us with a frying pan full of Wesson Oil.

Rated-B left, hurt and very angry, but found an entire tableful of Metallica merchandise outside, and were persuaded to buy some insipid damned T-shirt by a fretful Ulrich, who reminded us that he and the rest of the band were very thankful that we liked them.

The last thing this reporter likes to remember is that they used to rock. Real hard.