 |
| MacGyver |
MacGyver, starring Richard Dean Anderson, was one of my favorite TV shows growing-up. So when I saw it on Amazon Prime, I couldn't resist -- especially since Amazon is one of the few Roku channels which actually plays-through, thanks to my messed-up Internet.
It isn't hard to refrain from over-romanticizing it, as it is anything but flawless, but the original MacGyver is not bad -- in fact, I haven't watched anything but for several days now. Like any weekly, the episodes are hit-and-miss, but they're usually at least as entertaining as I remember.
MacGyver is a show for little boys -- but not just any little boys -- the nerdy, little boys. There was Hunter, The Equalizer, Spenser: For Hire, Magnum, P.I., and a zillion other, gun-toting, brook-no-bullshit badasses who were consistently only three days away from retirement and refused to play by The Rules.
Then there was MacGyver:
An attractive, well-dressed, well-mannered, wisp of a dude that one could be forgiven for assuming was homosexual. He eschewed guns and wasn't a highly-trained hand-to-hand combatant. Stretching suspension of disbelief for a super-spy, sure, but exactly the kind of hero nerdy, little boys who weren't on the football team (and were likely considered homosexual) needed -- especially then. And maybe moreso now.
The only "movement" little boy nerds had in those days was when one jerk decided to kick our ass... and everyone else clamored, "Me, too!" Not much has changed.
MacGyver -- with his goofy, rolled-out-of-bed haircut, and what were probably his sister's tennis shoes -- outsmarted the biggest, most well-trained, and over-equipped foes for seven seasons using only a Swiss Army (brand) pocket knife and the basic science we were supposed to know for Friday's Big Test... but never did, because we were too busy watching TV.
I once saw MacGyver fashion an H-bomb out of a paperclip, a lemon wedge, and the button off his shirt! (They only ran that episode once.) Fucked a young Teri Hatcher, too. Although that's... that's probably neither here nor there, I guess. (Little boy nerds hardly ever think about sex -- since they stay dripping in cheerleaders and shit.)
But MacGyver didn't just trot the globe, outwitting evil Communists and saving damsels-in-distress; many episodes focused on Conservation efforts, emerging technologies, "Culture Wars," and similar themes that rose above the formulaic, run-of-the-mill TV detective show. It aimed high, and occasionally hit the mark.
MacGyver always tried negotiating his way out of situations; he employed Diplomacy and eschewed violence, and even his staunchest adversaries respected his resourcefulness. He also managed to fall bass-ackward into smoking hot, divorcee pussy at every turn.
But, again, I... I digress.
Of course, it's impossible to watch a show about a genius super-spy in the late 1980s without noting the dramatic shift in politics -- especially today. You can't plain watch TV -- or check "your" e-mail, go to the movies, listen to music, or buy a T-shirt -- without being assaulted by some self-righteous, self-serving nonsense. Kneel, don't kneel; #MeToo, #AlwaysHillary; #Resistance vs. Alt-Right White Nationalist Klansmen -- it is all bullshit.
Still, I was struck by how hopeful the original MacGyver is, and not just politically -- especially since its run began during the First Cold War. In those days, MacGyver offered hope that one might grow-up to be something other than a prostitute or soldier -- of course, being children, we had no idea that there was no chance for that. It was High Fantasy at its best: The Poor Man's Bread of primetime TV for little boy nerds.
As a #BernieBRO (it's not sexist because I'm white), I am no stranger to the terrorism of identity politics and the terrorists those financial sectors employ, so it was also refreshing to be reminded of the fact that, back in those days, there was actual diversity on TV -- not a prison culture of loudmouthed supremacists on every side, forcing you to choose between Bitterly Stupid and Truly, Utterly Stupid... or "Activist bitches and [Basic] bitches," as some might put it.
In the halcyon days of Richard Dean Anderson's MacGyver, there was Holy Christ, She's Fine! Wonder Woman; Matlock; Why is This Show Still on without Kristy McNichol? Empty Nest; Black Archie Bunker The Jeffersons; Golden Girls; Where's Yo Daddy? What's Happening?; The Cosby Show; Facts of Life! (a spin-off from one of my other favorite TV shows, Old, Rich, White Man and His Colored Boys Diff'rent Strokes); Roseanne; Lady Matlock Murder, She Wrote; Seriously, Where is All Y'alls' Daddies!? What's Happening, Now!? -- and a host of other shows with a wide array of castmembers, characters, situations, and ideologies that are nowhere to be found today, despite the cultural appropriation forced "diversity" on every pro-FBI, pro-police, pro-military, pro-War, and "Who's that?" superhero reboot. Which sums-up the whole of Network TV.
No matter your situation, identity, or culture, there was a show which approximated it. Not only could you find a television show, or at least a character(s), to which you could relate, you were exposed to other cultures and viewpoints in an entertaining way. And, back then, they discussed serious, relevant issues without turning it into a soapbox (Country Golden Girls Designing Women notwithstanding).
Many times, there was no real consensus; the characters presented the different sides of the issue accordingly, then the show just... ended:
Should Blanch's unwed daughter have an abortion, or become a single mom? Blanch felt strongly about it, as did Dorothy -- then Rose laid it all out in her innocent, common-sense, Midwestern way before Sophia breezed through the scene and slayed us with a one-liner.
Then, Blanch's daughter... walked out the front door.
Did she, didn't she? We didn't know, and it didn't matter: Her story was told, the issue dissected, and Dan was about to sexually harass the shit out of Markie Post on Night Court. 'Cuz she was fine too, tho -- and that is okay. Hell, that's great! She knew she was fine, everyone knew Dan was a prick, and she gave as good as she got because she's a grown-ass woman.
Not every character felt the same, safe, "correct" (or Right ahem) way about things -- and neither did those of us watching at home -- and that was fine, too. Man, it was great! We didn't rush to our typewriters to hack-out a poorly-worded and heavily-misspelled death threat to John Laroquette, or start an NGO and organize a Goddamned protest march; we took a piss, grabbed a drink, then turned off the TV before Dan Rather hijacked our frequency (and waited for Johnny's monologue).
We tuned-in each week to hear these beloved TV characters lay-out these newsworthy topics almost as much as we did for the punchlines and car chases -- but it's the punchlines and car chases that we remember, because it's fun. For every overwritten, intentionally obtuse, Julia Sugarbaker monologue, there was a smartassed quip to break the tension and ease all that angst and self-righteous frustration. We got what Dixie Carter-Sugarbaker was saying, and most of us watching agreed with her (to whatever extent), but hearing Sophia Sugarbaker sing "Black Ma-an! Black Ma-an!" to That Gay Dude What Was in Mannequin was funny as shit.
And that was fine. It was great!
No one burned down their neighborhood, set zoos alight, or destroyed relics; no one jammed-up the phonelines or stopped traffic; there were no petty hashtag wars, no gangstalkings. Everyone knew Old Sugarbaker was racist, and Mouthy Sugarbaker was going to pull a Big Verbal Take-Down on The Evil MAN at the end of every episode -- and you either chose to watch it, or you chose not to. That was it!
The only people who hated things like TV shows and music videos were opportunistic filth (ahem) like Jimmy Swaggart and Anita Baker. And that Vice-President who couldn't spell potato... potatoe (sp?). Whatever.
I know there's a MacGyver reboot (ahem), but I haven't seen it yet. I'll take a stab at it, though:
Now, it's not just MacGyver, but a whole team of MacGyvers -- each just as important and smart and pretty and special (but not R-WORD "special" [the other R-WORD -- no, not that one: The other, other R-WORD]) as all the other, super-pretty but also super-geniuses (especially the girls and coloreds people of coloreds) -- right?
And, if even a single one of them isn't there, the rest of the MacGyvers and MacGyverettes and MacGyver-Sans and MacGyver-YeahSons are All Thumbs, despite the fact that they're all super-geniuses and shit -- until they radio-in to that one lost soul on the latest, in-house Unicorn App they developed for some much-needed guidance that only she can provide, and go save her first. Because there's no way they can save the world without that bitch.
Even though they're all still just as pretty and special and smart...
Because that's how it works these days.
Am I close?
Then someone gives a Big fucking Kyle Speech about how the whole world would be a better place if everyone fell to bended knee at football games, or stood up, or voted for Hillary, or hated Trump -- whateverwhocares. Then someone says we need more engineers, but they also mostly need to be colored girls, then they put on ridiculous, Erly Kuyler hats and march around or something. I don't know -- who cares?
Does that about sum it up?
At least kids are studying more these days since TV sucks so Goddamn hard.
They are studying more, right? Well... that's why I support abortion.
MacGyver was someone a few of us who were truly marginalized (and still are) could look-up to. He made being smart look cool, dealt with subjects in which we were interested that were rarely presented on TV (outside of boring documentaries and news programs), and gave us confidence -- the way She-Ra! or Xena: Warrior Princess appealed to some girls who liked fantasy, but didn't relate to He-Man because it was aimed at a different demographic. Or the way Golden Girls gave our grandparents a "Voice in the Mainstream" (outside of televangelism).
Plus, he fucked so many single moms that he became a kind of surrogate father to little boy nerds who had, you know, sluts for moms.
So. That's Richard Dean Anderson's MacGyver. Gonna go eat a Tide-Pod.
© The Weirding, 2018
