I Don't Care About the Oscars

Some of you might have thought I was staying awake the other night in anticipation of the Academy Awards nominations. The truth is that I wasn't even aware they were being made that night until I wrote about The Razzies.

Like I've said here and elsewhere in the past, the Academy Awards aren't what they used to be and they simply no longer appeal to me. I don't get to see new releases and I didn't bother to whenever I had the chance; I pay too much for cable and a month's subscription to HBO costs the same as seeing a single movie in the theater (hell, less)! I can wait the six months to a year to see it on TV. Plus I can smoke while watching it.

The whole thing goes on for far too long - largely because they insist on those insipid musical numbers. I realize there is a category for Best Song, but unless a musical is actually in the running, why not just play a clip of the song the way they do for all the other nominations?

I have an idea - now just go with me here: they could show clips of the songs up for nomination and then maybe invite the people who actually wrote and/or performed the frigging things to perform them - if the song was an actual hit. You with me here? And if there isn't one, then just forgo the musical number nonsense entirely! Then those actors might have the time to thank everyone on their list.

And that's another thing:

"You like me, you really like me!" Nuff said, you know?

These trollish, little people and their self-important thank you lists... "This is such a surprise - I really didn't expect this! I didn't even write anything... let me think.." STOP.

Stop right there and stfu: you are an actress, not a frigging orator.

Fewer than 1000 people in the entire world are recording your big moment (and the number diminishes dramatically once you subtract your friends and family), so you might want to take a minute beforehand to actually write something. You all go on about how much you had to do to "prepare" for that role where Will Ferrell farts in your pretty, vapid, little face, so you might want to prepare for the offhand chance that this actually does become Your Big Night. And if it doesn't, then consider it an exercise in humility - most of you chicks could use a little.

There are few moments more awkward than when the verbose actor admonishes the musicians trying to play him off (excepting every appearance by douchebag extraordinaire, Sean Penn), so let's avoid them entirely, shall we? If an actor goes on longer than he should, shoot him. Shoot him in the fucking head. Hell, if you even suspect they're going to go past the allotted time, shoot 'em in the dressing room. What's one less actor, more or less?

I can all but guarantee you'll only have to do this a couple times, and the rest of them will fall in line. They won't shush the orchestra after the first three or four kills - they'll stiffen like a board in sheer, mortal terror the moment they hear the first notes! Mix a little reality TV with our self-aggrandizement, shall we? Talk about acting; they can take that little moment of fear and add it to their "stock" - use it in that big Adam Sandler supporting-role gig; they'll never have to ask for direction on the "act surprised" bit ever again.

And none of this celebrity sniper, "We got the guy from the grassy knoll" bullshit; have a guy with a pistol waiting in the wings. Easy-peezy, simple-pimple. "Just one more, just one more - I'd like to thank my dog, Simpleton. You are my heart an..." BANG! Shut up.

And, Oh - My - GOD: do not - I repeat, not - let any of them "banter." Ever.

Actors at the Academy Awards can't improvise - that's how they got nominated! These are all the "classically-trained" buttholes whose claim to fame is knowing what "iambic pentameter" is. The ones who take roles because they find them "challenging" and adopt retarded kids so they can study them for their next performance; Scientologists. These aren't talented people - these are affluential worker bees doing a job - and they have enough trouble just reading from a teleprompter. So please, for the love of GOD, do not have them "banter." Instead of writing "improvise" or "interact" on the prompt, just write, "HAVE AWKWARD MOMENT." Heck, just leave the screen blank. Either way, we're all going to have an awkward moment.

So, in summation... you know, eff the Oscars. Right in their little, bald head.

© C Harris Lynn, 2009