Molly Ringwald and the Moral Majority

Typical Hollywood Actress Reaction

If you're under 45, you're probably asking yourself, "Who the fuck is Molly Ringwald?"  

That's a fair question.  

She was an actress who appeared in almost every John Hughes movie there ever was in the far away land called "The 1980s."  A pretty redhead, she portrayed the emblematic "Princess" of those flicks -- a role she had no problem playing for a decade, and even reprised for a cameo in a terrible 2001 film -- but now (that all the checks have cleared) she finds them highly offensive.

Now you're probably asking yourself, "Who the fuck is John Hughes?"  Again, fair question:

John Hughes had a stranglehold on the teen, "coming of age" films of the 1980s; from Sixteen Candles to Ferris Bueller's Day Off to what many consider to be his magnum opus, The Breakfast Club, and well beyond, Hughes managed, more often than not, to nail teenaged archetypes of the period --

That's... that's not what I mean, #MeFirstToo-ers.

But, in a scathing screed of hate speech, Ringwald lobbed every bigoted, pop-culture label her pretty little head could muster at The Breakfast Club -- the film which made her a bonafide movie star, and part of what was known as "The Brat Pack."  Not unusual for a Hollywood actress, she had no idea what she was saying, and was unlikely to have ever read the entire script (just her lines and queues) or seen the finished product before watching it with her daughter.  That her reactionary finger-wagging typified the character for which she became famous is a level of irony that can be missed only by people in Carson City and NYC.

Yes, Way Back When, there were jocks, and gearheads, and princesses, and outcasts, and nerds -- in every classroom in every public school across the nation -- and John Hughes' movies accurately captured those archetypes.  That those stereotypes still exist today is no surprise -- that's why stereotypes exist.

The overprivileged whitefolk (got to point that out, since it's problematic) of the 1980s indulged their self-inflicted ennui by wearing all black, smoking clove cigarettes, reading Interview with a Vampire, and listening to whiny, "Alternative" music like Morrissey.  They became Goths in the 1990s - 2000s, and pierced everything because they weren't old enough to become strippers.  And listened to Morrissey.  Now, they vape and dye their hair blue (if they're girls) and pink (if they're boys -- no one's sure), because it's politically incorrect to teach gradeschool-level Biology. *

Through these stereotypes, elevated to archetype in John Hughes' talking heads The Breakfast Club, teenagers of the time were forced to confront some very ugly truths about ourselves, while also seeing other stereotypes face their own.  The characters said things that we didn't have the opportunity to, much less the nerve.  And while their situations were not ours, and their behavior over the top (it's a fucking movie -- a moving picture, or motion of picture), they and their situations were relatable to our own.

That's what made John Hughes' movies so popular: They presented human teenagers and young adults as we were -- as ridiculous and politically incorrect as that is -- whereas most movies sidelined us as minor characters with overblown adolescent issues, or made us react to the situation (Back to the Future, Weird Science).  While highly stylized, John Hughes' movies presented a more realistic, in-depth character study of the teenage stereotypes to which most of us relate at that age.

Popular culture relies heavily on stereotypes, especially for shorthand, and this is never more obvious than in movies, due to the limited playing time.

John Bender -- your stereotypical, longhaired stoner -- absolutely did not "sexually harass" Claire, the hapless lass Molly Ringwald portrayed onscreen.  Nor did his onscreen antics negatively influence an entire generation of men -- or women, or transgendered people people of transgenderism the gender-impaired, or anyone else.  We were more capable of telling fact from fantasy in those days, largely due to tighter regulation on propaganda.

Not to laud my intellectual privilege, but we were just plain smarter.

Bender was wrong -- pretty much all the way around -- and he was also On Dope.  Throughout the course of the movie, we learn that he is a victim of abuse, which is why he is defiant and acts out irrationally: He craves negative attention, as it is the only attention he is accustomed to receiving.  Estevez' jock is also the victim of abuse who represses his feelings and channels his anger into athletics and bullying others.  Brian, the nerd, suffers from self-abuse (he's probably a cutter person of cutting).

Typical of abuse victims, these characters abuse themselves and others, whether they mean to or not.  They wouldn't be diagnosed as "bi-polar" until Prozac was invented -- the way Millennials weren't diagnosed as ADHD with "learning disabilities" until methamphetamine was available by prescription!

The only character who isn't completely fucked-up is Sheedy's "The Basketcase," who has isolated herself from all these self-important drama queens.  She would later be diagnosed as Off Her Meds.  That's known as "irony," and makes a point in and of itself.

But Molly Ringwald's character is an abuser, not the victim: She remains oblivious to a fault, traumatizing everyone around her through her callous behavior.  People just aren't worthy of Claire's abuse, as that would be a waste of her precious time; they are forced to prove they are worth any attention, should she so deign.  

She typifies this stereotype in Sixteen Candles, as well -- overlooking the well-meaning but goofy Ducky for the handsome hunk.  If this sounds familiar, it's because this sort of thing happens everyday -- especially to teenagers (relax, it happened to #MeToo).  Johnny Bender's character calls her out on this Holier-Than-Thou attitude and, in stereotypical fashion for girls with Daddy Issues, she falls for The Bad Boy.

Had he written a sequel starring Claire, it would have been Showgirls.

These things are not actually said aloud, so it's understandable that a Hollywood actress would miss these very relevant points -- especially if "her" character doesn't say them.  Because screenwriters are only there to clean-up actors' improvisational genius -- that's what screenwriters do.  That's the job.

I suppose, at this point, I should say that Caitlin Jenner is strong and beautiful.

It's all pretty ugly -- like life... especially adolescence.  Like teenagers and teenagers' rooms and teenagers' cars...  And an overwhelming number of people Ringwald's age identified heavily with The Breakfast Club because of this.

It's far from pleasant, but it's politically incorrect, and too often awkward (and also problematic), to discuss these very real life situations and human personalities in mixed company -- which is what makes it so refreshing to see it onscreen, or read it in a book not written by a pompous Hollywood blowhard... or an AI writing program one slaps his name on as a lazy attempt at anti-art.  

John Hughes understood that regular, everyday people can be retarded awkward and gay problematic -- and also selfish and wrong and obtuse and sometimes ugly even if they're physically very attractive.  And all of that's okay because regular people -- unlike The Hollywood People -- are far from perfect.

Especially awkward, problematic people of teen age.

She claims Bender's unwarranted sexual assault in the movie is worthy of some kind of heavy-handed police action.  Maybe.  But Claire responds by vice-locking his longhaired head with her knees -- practiced as they are at locking -- then brutally assaults him in a fit of hysterical rage before sleeping with him.  Lesson learned.  

The bigger issue is that today, had Bender been problematic gay and accosted a man same-sex non-gender-fluid sentient being in whom he was interested in a similar fashion, audiences are likely to laugh at it the way we did back then.  But then feel bad because the same-sex non-gender-fluid love interest was not consenting -- the way we felt awkward because we knew it was wrong to do things Bender, and people like him, does in the film.  That discomfort is part of what makes it funny.

That doesn't make his behavior any less acceptable in real life but -- in a fucking movie -- it's funny.  Also, in the movie, he didn't actually accost the actress.  Hollywood, like the US government it represents -- The Moral Majority, as they are known -- has never been able to tell fact from fiction, so much so that they made a law allowing them to circumvent reality, and are now working to criminalize anyone who dares question what they tell you to believe.

In fact, they have suspended our Twitter accounts, and have now locked us out of our YouTube accounts without explanation!

Movies, TV, and radio were the social media of our age -- that's how the term, "Watercooler Episode" originated.  We watched them in theaters with dozens of other people (hundreds, by the Multiplex '90s) , so they were seen in a communal environment, and had a larger impact than the four or five stump speeches Hollywood churns out today.  Movies like The Breakfast Club and St. Elmo's Fire started discussions that never would have occurred otherwise -- discussions Millennials aren't allowed to have today, under penalty of Law. 

They were actually important films, not pretenders to the throne, and the insights they presented helped close the divide between groups and people who had little, if anything, in common.  These movies were what we had in common -- in many cases, just as in The Breakfast Club itself -- they were the only experiences we had in common.

They were not marketed as The Most Important Movies of Their Time, or The Most Important Shows You're Not Watching.  You weren't a racistsexistmisogynistantisemitewhitenationalist for not purchasing 100,000 tickets for schoolchildren to manipulate the Box Office results.  That they didn't have token Latinos, Blacks, and disabled persons of interest color is because that would have weakened verisimilitude, or suspension of disbelief -- something actors create all by themselves (that's why they get paid $1.3 trillion to make movies).

They had also just started busing the token kids in at that time -- yet another uncomfortable truth troublemakers choose to "overlook" -- so most of us didn't have those token friends The Hollywood People and Republican Party love to cart-out at certain events like the child survivors of Syrian bombings.  I went to a predominantly black elementary school, so I rarely hung-out with the black kids who thought I worshipped the Devil because I listened to Slayer -- I just bought Mexican dirt weed from them.

Yes, that is racist: I know they were holding them Dank Buds.

In those days, the Moral Majority -- those who knew best for all, because They had The Master Plan handed down from On High (ahem) -- pulled the very same shit they do today.  And guess who presided over the PMRC, and the hearings on what was Right and what was wrong, and who was allowed to say what?

Manbearpig and his Goddamn wife.  I swear to Christ.

Do John Hughes' movies hold-up today?  Absolutely.  Are they politically correct?  Of course not -- neither are teenagers, and neither is real life.

Well, I'm sure Molly Ringwald's teenager is, of course -- all actors' and celebrities' children are perfect.  You can tell from their mugshots.

Life, history, politics, reality -- and yes, people (especially people of teen age) -- can be ugly, and too often are.  These subjects are often separatist, racist, sexist, hateful, and demoralizing to people who deserve much better.  We should be emotionally and intellectually fit enough to observe these things as they are, and deal with them in that fashion.  But Hollywood, and its denizens, are neither -- and are far from innocent.

So, since everyone else has a soapbox for their cause celebre, and we're certainly moments away from having our little plug pulled (assuming this ever sees the light of day to begin with), I figure #MeToo:

The Truth is that every state in the US has unisex bathrooms anyone can use, and no one stands outside to monitor who is doing so... yet.

The Truth is that the KKK has every right to their little rallies, which are always attended by more Federal officers than Klansmen, and the way to end them is to not attend them -- or promote them, or glorify them, or glorify those who protest them.  Like you do Jehovah's Witnesses at the front door.

The Truth is that, if Nationalists really hated "Socialism," they'd refund all the government benefits they receive (nay, demand!) for military/defense contracts, and refuse assistance provided by programs like Medicare, SNAP, and those provided by Veterans' Affairs.

The Truth is that none of the men accused by the hostile #MeToo terrorist movement have been convicted, or even stood trial for a civil matter, yet a mere sketchy accusation is all it takes to end their careers and lives.  And -- just like the worst of the accused did -- these "activists" and "social justice warriors" use force, intimidation, and a myriad of terrorist tactics to silence all dissent, and suppress any evidence contrary to their unfounded accusations ("Their Ends Justify Their Means").

The Truth is that criminalizing every word, deed, and thought has lead to mass incarceration and the demonization of innocent people who are forced to become hardened criminals just to survive the environments in which pristine celebrities like Ringwald can't wait to place them.

The Truth is that the AIPAC/CFI-sponsored "Mainstream Media" is Guilty of innumerable War Crimes, Human Rights Abuses, and Crimes Against Humanity -- including Incitement, Defamation, Assassination of Character, Mass Murder, Sedition, and High Treason -- and no mere, fabricated "Law" (NDAA) should shield them from prosecution to the fullest extent of International Law.  This includes giant tech companies that dip in and out of the Media environment as it suits their purposes.

The Truth is that most of these people support harboring undocumented citizens as a form of indentured servitude, and those who have lived the majority of their lives in this country without criminal incident should be considered citizens.

The Truth is that, if celebrities and banksters want to disarm the citizenry, they should lead the way by disarming themselves, disarming their security, and employing only unarmed security at their too-posh benefit events for the Syrian children they campaign tirelessly to bomb endlessly.

The Truth is that you won't hear a single celebrity -- Sarah Silverman, Susan Sarandon, Rosario Dawson, and a handful of others aside -- say any of this.  And you aren't likely to hear us saying it much longer, either...

Hearing these horrible excuses for human beings preach on nothing more than the safest bets, hopping on every speeding bandwagon that passes their way, has become sickening to the point of criminality: 

I woke up the other morning to hear Gayle King say, "We can teach Hate --" and I turned off the fucking TV.

Molly Ringwald, like the (literally) drugged, (actually) brainwashed, Millennial Generation Hollywood is so desperate to get to the voter booths (but only if they vote Democrat!), should get over herself and step out of the echo chamber for a breath of fresh, L.A. smog -- and hope she doesn't get hit by one of them drive-bys!  (Relax, racists, it would be an acid attack or machete strike from atop a moped, were she in London.)  I doubt she sees a brown face six days of any week unless it's cleaning her house, and I doubt that fact occurs to her more than once every 40 years.

Maybe one day, these talented players of the Moral Majority will reunite and make a movie about Hollywood actors who hate the movies audiences love that made them rich and famous.  Co-starring John Cusack.

---
* There are over 50 sexes in the insect kingdom.  Shamanism teaches you not to follow the insects, as they exist only to eat, breed, and die, and have no Higher Purpose.  Bees have a hivemind and live only to serve their queen.  Meditate on that shit: That's what your esteemed cult leaders think of you -- you are a means to an end, and nothing more.  They are Defense Contractors, by the way.

© The Weirding, 2018

Is One Harsh Critic

I'm kind of tired of being blamed for others' shoddy work -- not just as a critic, but as an audience member. Time and again over the last several years, stars, creators, and insiders have blamed critics and audiences for their failures, and there's literally no truth to it. No one listens to the "obsessed, virgin fanboys that live in their moms' basements" who actually appreciate their product; they listen to Million Mommy Madness and fucking Wonkette -- people who will never buy their product, and don't know the first thing about the industry!

I am a harsh critic, or at least I can be, and I've no need to apologize for that. For the record, I always try to find at least one good thing to say about everything I review -- and that's nowhere near as easy as it sounds. I don't even have to do that! As a creator, I know how difficult it can be to release a project to an often unappreciative public, but it is not my place as a critic to blindly promote your work, and it is not my place as an audience member to blindly support your desire to work in the industry.

The last decade or more has brought the viewing public nothing but facile blockbusters; endless, unwanted reboots and remakes; subpar, massive, endless crossover events; bland, soulless, pop music; humorless attempts at sit-coms designed not to amuse, but to avoid the consternation of special interest groups and Internet trolls; and 30 or 40 CSI and Law and Order spinoffs; as well as a plethora of excuses as to why they don't work. It's an insult.

Where are all the Spenser: For Hires, the Hunters, the Designing Womens, the Charmeds, the Buffy: The Vampire Slayers, the TNT MonsterVisions? Where are the summer teenage sex romps; the mad slasher SFX-fests; the multi-generational, romantic epics; the Fight Clubs and Goodfellas? Can you make a single comedy that doesn't feature Will Ferrell, Kevin Hart, or Melissa McCarthy? Can you make a blockbuster that isn't either a remake, reboot, or caped crusader rock-em-sock-em? Can we have some Goddamn variety -- and can you be bothered to make it worth viewing?

All the industry does anymore is rehash formulaic horseshit, then shove it down our collective throat with aggressive, offensive PR campaigns that accuse us of being cynical bigots if we dare not to enjoy it -- "The best thing you're not watching!" Or they turn it into some bullshit political cause that's "too important not to discuss," and "is not to be missed!" Or, and this is my very favorite, they portray it as a personal attack on one or more of the creators or participants.

Fuck you.

Even if a product stinks -- I mean, just reeks-up the place -- my job as a critic is to pay it my full attention. I have to deconstruct it to find out why it doesn't work, what could have been done to make it work, and -- as I stated above -- at least one thing about it that isn't just God-awful. Sure, I'm snarky and often mocking, but if you would like to spend four or five hours a day sifting through mostly bad work, then another two or three hours discussing it without losing your fucking mind, I invite you to show me how it's done!

I was snarky and mocking long before I became a critic, and running me off of social media or out of the industry isn't going to change the fact that you're churning-out and promoting bad product to ever-diminishing numbers that don't want it. And all the free lunches, cocaine, and blowjobs in the world won't fix that.

Readership is down, viewership is down, subscriptions are down, attendance is down -- across the boards -- and this is not the fault of any critic, nor the fault of "The Internet," nor the audiences'; the general consensus is that the brunt of mainstream entertainment these days is lacking. But, instead of accepting accountability and trying to make better product, the industry at-large has doubled-down on latching onto silly fads, using promotional stunts and gimmicks, and blaming everyone else for their failures. Even if I decide to use my little outlet here as some kind of bully pulpit, I don't have ¹/₁₀^th the reach of the large corporations or average celebrity, so no one's pulling your shows or canceling your titles based on my recommendation -- if they aren't succeeding, it's because they are not that good, or it just isn't a product the public wants at that time.

I haven't even bothered writing reviews in the last few years because it got to be too depressing! It became more and more difficult to find something positive to say about every piece, and I don't get many promotional products. Comics cost $4.00 each, the average theater ticket costs $8.50. For the price of two comic books, or a theater ticket for one movie on the big screen, I can afford Netflix or Hulu for an entire month. If a comic book doesn't just blow me away, I've wasted half a month's worth of viewing entertainment finances -- and that comic book wasted my time. I don't have to make excuses for why it didn't blow me away, and I don't have to "support" the people who worked on it just because they want to be in the industry. I'd like to be a billionaire, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be, and it doesn't mean that you (nor anyone else) has to make that happen.

(Ignore that; I do deserve to be a billionaire, and it is your responsibility to make that happen.)

For years now, the entertainment industry has chosen to appease special-interest groups to avoid controversy and keep sponsors. More recently, they've taken to courting controversy for the free publicity. And while they have always licked the boots of fresh, "hot" talent, they've now begun pandering to the lowest common denominator, who -- almost universally -- do not subscribe to, listen to, view, or patronage the industry in any way. To combat losses in audience, they have steadily raised the price of admission. What they have not done is focus on making better product for the actual fans. They have created a hostile environment both online, and within the industry, filled with blame and accusations and victimhood. If my attitude has become tainted by this along the way, they've no one to blame but themselves.

The entire PR campaign for the Ghostbusters remake was literally, "If you don't go see this movie, you hate women!" When, in fact, no one wanted a Ghostbusters remake -- not with an all-male cast, not with an all-female cast, not with an all-black cast, not with a cast of puppets -- not at all. Resorting to offending and browbeating half of the prospective viewing audience before the film even premiered is about as low as it gets. The movie still failed -- it failed with male audiences, it failed with female audiences, it failed with critics -- because it was a bad movie that no one wanted!

They began by insulting male movie-goers and over-hyping the product. They created an antagonistic environment of mostly non-fans who trolled every message board, blog, and social media platform, accusing everyone of not "supporting" their endeavor because we're all bigots of one kind or another. Then, despite the fact that the product was bad to begin with, it's all our fault for not both paying an inflated price to see, and pretending to enjoy, a shit sandwich that no one wanted and no one could relate to. That is the very height of bitterness and cynicism.

Given that approach, I can't believe anyone in the industry thought Ghostbusters was going to work in the first place, so I'm not going to hold back when it comes to reviewing it (I'm not going to review it). They knew it was a shit script, so they resorted to stuntcasting to try and save it before they lost the rights. When cinephiles ("rabid fanboys who live in their moms' basements," of course) saw that for the gimmick it is, they started publicly shaming them, and recruited others to pile-on as some kind of "social cause."

Goddammit, I liked Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust -- unironically! It was stupid, silly, completely over-the-top, and I'm reasonably certain almost everyone involved has done porn. But it was the most entertaining hour and 10 minutes of a movie I've seen without a RiffTrax in the last 10 years. And it was written and directed by a woman! In fact, despite the Internet myth the media scum have perpetuated for the last several years, women constitute a significant portion of the entertainment industry -- in all positions. And if I were one of those women, I'd be pretty pissed-off that it's you "social justice warriors," "activist mommy bloggers," sensationalistic clickbaiters, and wanna-bes who fail to appreciate, or even acknowledge, their contributions -- not the critics, not the reviewers, and not the fanboys.

Cyberbullying audiences and critics into both purchasing and "liking" sub-quality work has become the standard promotional tack for the entertainment industry, as a whole. And, if that doesn't work, they discredit, belittle, or silence us through veiled threats, DDoS attacks, intimidation, harassment, spam comments, and gangstalking.

An underwhelming product is one thing, but being trolled into purchasing it, then harassed into giving it a positive spin -- at the risk of being attacked and blamed for it and/or the creators' failure, if I do not -- makes me angry. And justifiably so. You shouldn't feel the need to guilt-trip me, or even kiss my ass, just to get a positive (or not "harsh") critique. I don't want free product, or gifts, or money (I would not turn down any of those things); I want you to make product that I enjoy -- that makes me want to encourage others to seek it out, and hopefully enjoy it, as well. And, by reviewing your product, I'm literally telling you what does and does not work. If you choose to ignore that advice, that's fine!

I don't have to mention you or your fucking product; I can let it slide right into the slush pile of obscurity, where it most likely belongs and usually winds up anyway. I don't work for you, and you don't pay me. You don't "deserve" a job in the industry just because you really want one, and if you force your way in by stepping on and disrespecting others, you deserve to be forced-out.

And I no longer feel the need, nor the desire, to attempt to approach that -- nor any of you -- in a reasonable manner, because you're just trolling us. No matter how reasonable we try to be, every attempt at discussion quickly devolves into an irrational exchange of personal insults and baseless accusations of racism, sexism, bigotry, victimization, and plain old nastiness. And this is the environment you have fostered -- or, at the very least, sat back and ate popcorn while watching it take hold -- to exploit.

Years ago, you had a point with the "rabid fanboys" bit. A lot of people got out-of-hand, and I'm sure I was one of them -- at least sometimes. But things have changed, and it's now the non-fans -- many of whom are female and/or lay claim to spreading "social justice" -- who are terrorizing the Web, and your audiences. It's not our fault that young, white males overwhelmingly constitute the comics-buying audience, or that the vaunted 18-36 age group no longer watches TV. And, if you can't create product that appeals to other demographics, then shaming, bullying, and destroying the only demographic to which you do still appeal is a really, fucking stupid tactic. That's what has brought entertainment to its knees, and I know you know it.

It is not my fault for not liking mediocre product or creators -- nor is it the fault of the public. You failed -- or the company failed, or the network, or the publicity campaign, or whatever else went wrong -- and it isn't my fault for pointing that out. In fact, that's my fucking job! And the only thing I can say in that regard is that, if certain people find my criticism overly "harsh" or too "negative," then at least one of us is actually doing their job.

You don't deserve to get paid for wasting our fucking time, and we don't deserve to have interlopers stalking us just to shit on us and the things we love. Fire your hack, PR "social media experts" and learn what the fuck you're doing, or find work elsewhere.

© The Weirding, 2016

Responds to Patton Oswalt

Patton Oswalt has become the de facto icon for Geekdom since "Geek Culture" became mainstream, and for good reason. Patton Oswalt is truly "One of Us" (gabba gabba hey!). In the current issue of Wired, Oswalt pens a satirical jab at both the culture and his place in it... and self-proclaimed "geeks" across the Web took up arms to "defend" themselves and their "right" to their "opinions" or... whatever.

Well, all humor aside, Patton Oswalt is 100% right!

I grew-up reading comic books, playing tabletop roleplaying games, going to conventions, and participating in what is now called "Geek Culture," so that absolutely does make me something of an authority on the subject as a whole -- not necessarily an "expert" (there are many more knowledgeable people), but I do know what I'm talking about. I never enjoyed Star Trek, haven't given a shit about Star Wars since I was about 10-years-old, and do not generally play video games (they're a colossal waste of time), but make absolutely no mistake about it: I am one of the premiere members of the Nerd Polloi and have been literally since I was a child.

My IQ is literally off the charts and always was, so I started reading at a very early age -- when I was about three, to be exact. I started kindergarten when I was four and was twice given the opportunity to skip grades (which I didn't because I was a child who broke-down at the thought of "leaving" my "friends" -- in retrospect, I would have been better-off). We can argue nature vs. nurture, but whatever the matter, I developed differently than my peers and this naturally made it hard for me to get along with them as a whole. I had plenty of friends and such, but they were kept close and personal, and this made me "gay." Furthermore, my predilection for reading, scholastics, and Art in general (over athletics) reinforced the perception of all these negative stereotypes.

I gravitated toward what is now referred to as "Geek Culture" to escape this persecution and abuse almost as much as I did for the companionship of those who enjoyed the same things I did. Only to learn that many within the very subculture were as angry, antisocial, and convinced of their superiority as the assholes from whom I was trying to escape.

See, it was very acceptable to abuse people like me and, over time, even I accepted that. And even though I detested the endless Kirk vs. Picard "debates" and the constant smell of unwashed fat under facepaint, I knew that these were -- for better or worse -- "my people." But, over time, our subculture began attracting just generally disaffected personalities -- people who did not fit-in elsewhere because they really were just assholes. Our subculture became the public pool at which unwanted kids were dropped-off and left to their own devices, which was usually intellectual bullying.

Again, we can argue that they were antisocial by nature, or that they became antisocial because they suffered the same persecution and abuse I did (nurture/environment), but the truth lay somewhere between: Some were/are just born assholes, others became antisocial defensively, and for others, it was a little of both. In retrospect, and for what it's worth, I believe I was of the latter camp.

When I was growing-up, tabletop RPG was considered satanic, comic books were not considered "literature," and heavy metal was... also considered satanic. I was bullied, singled-out to be made an example of by authority figures, beaten, castigated... some of the stories I could tell you would leave you traumatized -- but don't fool yourself: They could never traumatize you the way they did me. See, they aren't just stories to me; they are my reality.

You can't download back issues and claim to be a comic book person; you have to go to conventions and comics shops and pore through boxes to find them -- and put-up with some balding, fat asshole overcharging the shit out of you. Playing World of Warcraft or seeing the Lord of the Rings movies makes you no more an expert on fantasy literature or legend than enjoying slasher flicks makes me a murderer. The problem is that we Nerd Polloi are expected to accept you and, if we do not, we are accused of being "exclusive" and so on and so forth.

I got news for you, kids: We always were.

You don't have to suffer the indignities of enjoying nerdly pursuits to be considered a "True Geek," but you do have to kind of... you know, read the books and shit. You do have to kind of live the life, not read-up on it or download it. You don't have to prove it to me for me to give you a chance, but when you pop-off at the mouth about how much you love Star Wars and try to convince me that I should too, or how 4E is a better system, et.al., you should know that I am going to eat everything in your little Dragonball-Z lunchbox. I grew-up hearing that shit from people who know far more about it than you ever will and they couldn't change my mind.

I have a callous on my finger from holding a pencil, both to draw and write. I have callouses on my hands from wielding drumsticks. I have a cyst on my wrist from holding a mouse and a collapsed vertebrae from sitting on my ass -- behind a monitor, behind a trapkit, behind a drafting table. You might, maybe, have "Nintendo Thumb" and yet you probably don't even know what "Nintendo Thumb" means. I run a blog on comics and pop-culture/entertainment and a website dedicated to tabletop roleplaying games you've never heard of, and none of it is done "ironically" nor in some misguided attempt to be obscure; these are things I love and always have and I want to share that interest in, and love for, these things.

So, yeah: It makes me a little hot when tourists come crashing into my town, especially when they want to change everything about it and tell me how it should be run. It makes me even angrier when their defense is along the lines of, "Let it go," and "What's your problem?" And it makes me want to eat babies alive when pretenders to the throne sell it all out from beneath me.

But, come on. Is there really any other way to eat babies?

I encourage people to participate in Geekdom -- that's literally why I spend so much time on this blog and The Weirding. And it's all free! If I were to tell you how much I have contributed to Geekdom, you wouldn't believe me. If I were to tell you how little credit and payment I've received for these contributions, you would think me a fool. However, I am constantly criticized for taking-on advertisers and just as frequently challenged for voicing my "opinion." But, this is Geekdom -- not liking videogames or comic book movies or anything along those lines -- not the bullshit, mainstream, "I own the backpack, so I'm in!" concept of "Geek Culture." We are, and always have been, a rather surly and very exclusive lot.

You want the reality of "Geek Culture," show-up to a con on Sunday: That smell is active Geek "culture."

I see most of the current crop of "fans" as little more than tourists, because that's what they are. And part of my self-appointed "job" is to act as a guide, and I'm (usually) happy to do so. I love these things and enjoy sharing that with others, but hardcore nerds have never been an appreciative group. That is one of the primary reasons I drifted away from the "scene." And that's where established Geekdom and the new crop of tourists intersect: They all have strong, and largely uninformed, opinions on... well, everything.

It's great that there has been a surge in the "geek" market(s), but just owning a computer or smartphone doesn't make you an actual authority on anything. That you love World of Warcraft is awesome and I fully support your love of it, but you are not going to "win" an argument with me regarding Dungeons & Dragons (for example), despite the fact that you may have played it or -- as Oswalt so specifically and correctly points-out -- read-up on it.

One of Oswalt's assertions has been one of mine for years: What the current, mainstream "geek" markets are getting is literally watered-down from the keystones of the subculture. That is how "mainstream" everything works -- that is the very definition of the term; it has to have mass appeal for it to be considered mainstream. For that to happen, the edges have to be carefully trimmed and child-proofed, and big companies painstakingly research and cannibalize what has come before in order to achieve this. So, while D&D 4E may be similar to "real" Dungeons & Dragons, it is not actual Dungeons & Dragons; it has been watered-down to appeal to more people, to be mainstream. It is far more akin to World of Warcraft and MMORPG, in general -- and there's nothing wrong with that, with it being its own product with its own appeal -- but it is not, nor will it ever be, comparable to the actual tabletop RPG I play.

And if you ever get the chance to play it with me, you'll understand this. That's what I'm saying: You have to do it to be it; you have to experience it firsthand to know.

Add to this the fact that the current generation, and really the last several generations, have been raised to believe that anything they "think" or "believe" is valid and anything they want is deserved, and you might (hopefully) start to understand that, from where I (and some others) stand, current "geek culture" accentuates only the worst and most general aspects of the actual subculture.

Having said all of that, make no mistake about it: One of these very keystones is opinion. I grew-up amidst endless arguments as to which Star Trek captain was best, in which comic book issue this or that actually occurred, why a 3-18 system is more mathematically stable/correct than a percentile-based system, ad infinitum. In some of these instances, there is no "right" answer; in others, there is a very definite, very clear, very right, answer.

When there is a clear answer -- a fact -- then your opinion means fuck-all. Period. That isn't "self-righteousness," nor a "need to be right/superior;" that's The Way Things Are and I don't care what you "think" or "believe."

The best I can do is try to point these tourists in the right direction. Watchmen is not the best work in the comics medium; Elektra: Assassin is. This is not my "opinion;" I can deconstruct both works -- because I know how, I know the criteria -- and prove my case. And I can show you how to do the same. The problem is that our current climate is one of "everybody is special, everyone's opinion is valid, and no one is wrong." Except... you know, that's not reality and the current climate -- and mainstream society -- holds that facts and reality are secondary to "feelings" and "opinions" and "beliefs."

They are not and you should not fool yourself about this.

There is a silver-lining (a few of them, actually) and that's that this too shall pass -- Geek Culture being mainstream, I mean. Nerdery is as much counterculture as subculture and always has been. We do not like watered-down product and we know how to spot it and, over time, our antisocial tendencies will assert themselves and all these WoW-playing, J-pop-listening-to poseurs will see what ugly, hateful, exclusive people we are. And they'll go back to watching football, listening to rap, and date-raping -- or whatever it is they do.

And we'll get some really good work from this process. We True Nerds will rebel, as we are wont to do (it is our nature), the way we always have: We will go deeper, further; we will immerse ourselves in the fundamentals of the subculture, which are far too involved and "obscure" for tourists.

Some of them will follow, and this is also great, and the subculture will once again, as Patton Oswalt suggests, go back underground -- revert to the subculture it always was. And, best of all, it won't be as denigrated as it was before.

This is all good in its own way. After all, mainstream society is finally starting to realize that most of our interests are merely interesting to nerds like us, not necessarily antisocial, Satanic, or otherwise negative or harmful. Now we just have to remind them that playing videogames and/or liking Star Wars doesn't automatically qualify them as "geeks."

© C Harris Lynn, 2011

Marvel: You Can't Buy Just One

Written 05-02-10

It’s Sunday morning and I’ve been reading comics since yesterday, because the storms knocked-out my Internet. It was a mixed blessing; I am so far behind in my reading that I’m literally lost -- period -- and this gave me the chance to catch-up on some of it, but I obviously need my Internet and lost money while it was down. So I’m expounding on my dissatisfaction with Marvel’s Siege crossover, because I’m almost caught-up on my reading now... and I’m still completely lost.

Here’s how this works: The editor is called into the editor-in-chief’s (EIC) office, and told, “We have this major event we’ve been PLANNING FOR SEVEN YEARS [but didn’t bother to tell anyone else about until just now -- because we’re that good at ‘keeping a secret’ - MD] and we want your title to be part of it.”

The editor usually says something like, “But... we just got a new writer and he has this great story arc all charted-out -- I sent you the outline the other day -- and...”

The EIC dismisses him with a wave of his Cuban cigar, and gives with this speech:

“Well, you’ve got a hot title there and we need some of that heat on the 44352 titles that aren’t performing as well. We’d cancel them and focus our attention on the good ones, but we want to make a shitload of cash. These snotnosed kids’ll buy anything, and if those old nerds had anything going for them, they’d be spending money on something else -- hell, we’re doing them a favor! They’ll throw money at anything we do right now, so instead of doing them right, we’re gonna pump as much shit into the pipeline as humanly possible... cuz we’re gonna make some movies.”

Editor, “With all due respect, Mr. EIC, I -- I mean, I love movies, but -- I got into comic books because I want to do comics, not movies, and...”

The EIC laughs, “That’s why I like you, Editor: You’re flippin' stupid!

"Fuck comic books! Fuck ‘em right in their four-colored ear! We’re here to make money, son - fat, sloppy, dripping piles of money; crunchy, munchy, nutritionless money. Now, you need to work this big event into your title month after next. And don’t give me that, ‘It’ll screw-up our storyline’ nonsense, either -- just do it.

"Oh, and editor?"

"Yes, Mr. EIC?"

"The door. Mind it doesn't bump you on the ass when it closes behind you."

Now, that’s a fairly accurate depiction of what goes down: The editor of a title is told to work-in something, and he has to wrangle the creative team into doing it, because they tend to balk at such obvious, commercial machinations -- especially since they have to submit a year or so’s worth of plotting just to land the gig, and they have about 25 days to get the next issue together. And they generally don't use a fill-in team, because the whole point is to get as many Names involved as possible.

Marvel is known for these "editorial retreats" at which the editors and writers all go out to a moose lodge in the middle of nowhere and bounce ideas back and forth -- sort of like a Nerd Summit, I suppose. Sounds fantastic, doesn't it? And I truly think it would be, but at the end of the day, the ideas are ranked not by importance, sense of drama and fun, or anything other than Potential for Return. Yeah, it's a business, but it's also an art form, and when it goes too far in either direction, it's a tragedy.

So I open Mighty Avengers #35 to find that I know absolutely nothing about what’s going on and the whole Siege “tie-in” is nothing more than a quick wraparound (it opens with some Siege-related scenes and closes with the same, but the story in-between is entirely independent of the crossover event which prompted my purchase), then I open New Mutants #11 to learn that something -- a BIG something -- happened between issue #10 and this one, and I have no idea what that was. As usual, I found out that I couldn’t read the current issue until I’d read five others I don’t usually collect.

[POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD]

Apparently, Dani Moonstar became a Valkyrie (again?) -- maybe sometime between issues 10 and 11, during which time the team also (apparently) forgave Doug (which was a major theme of issues 9 and 10, but... you know, suddenly isn’t anymore!) -- and this may have happened during Dark X-Men, Nation-X, or Doomwar. Or maybe in Uncanny X-Men, or X-Factor, or X-Force - or even 20 years ago, in the first run of the title! Whatever the case, the only thing I know for certain is that it did not happen in New Mutants #9 or 10! Nor does New Mutants #11 bother telling me exactly where or when it happened (as in: *TITLE #n - ed.).

Oh sure, I could go ahead and read it, but then again, I’m not going to know WTF is going on -- and I may as well just give-in because it isn’t getting any better! You can’t even subscribe to a Marvel title anymore, because you are going to get n number of sequential issues before the whole thing jumps ship and starts-up, in-media-res, with a storyline about which you know absolutely nothing until you buy five or six issues of titles you don’t collect. I had fallen in love with Uncanny X-Men -- for the first time since I was about 15 - only to pick up issue #514 to learn I had absolutely no idea as to what was going on, and needed to buy several issues from several titles to find out. Worst of all, there weren’t even any editorial notes telling me which issues from which titles I needed to buy -- I had to go online to find out for myself!

[END SPOILER ALERT]

Now, why would I want to read this issue, not knowing WTF is going on, and possibly spoiling the other story, before I read the pertinent ones leading up to this? I have all these crossover issues and mini-series because I collect X-everything, but I haven’t had the chance to read them all, largely because, in the last six months, they have gone from Utopia to Dark X-Men to Nation-X to Doomwar and are heading into Shadowland -- meaning I need to read at least six or seven issues a month just to keep-up with Uncanny X-Men, or New Mutants!

Now, think about that for a moment; really let that sink-in: Six to seven issues at $2.99 each is right at $20.00, per month, to follow one title. And, were you to really be faithful to a character/team (property), that's not even scratching the surface; Wolverine appears in no fewer than 10 titles each month.

I subscribe to a title because I want to follow that character/team's story, and when that story happens offstage, I have every right to feel robbed - because I have been! I shouldn't be coerced into spending another $15-30 just to find out what happened to the characters in the title to which I subscribe and/or follow -- yet that is exactly what is going on! And I could stand this, to a greater extent, if it happened once in a while -- say every 15-16 months or so -- but not (literally) every three to four issues!

Like I say, I think I have all the comics that will fill me in on what I’m (at this point) missing, but it cost me dearly, and few have the money for that. You may say, “Well, that’s your job,” and you're right, and that's why I did this; this is what I do and, were it not for this, I could never afford all these comics. But there is the other thing: I’ve wanted to work in comics since I was a child, and Marvel is making it harder for everyone to enjoy the medium, and the hobby, because they are flat-out greedy.

Despite what you may have heard, greed is not good. In fact, it's a fucking sin. But it's not like I'm a particularly religious man myself, so let's move on.

Though comics may be a "springboard"-type industry these days (for people who really want to make movies, TV, or just get their name "out there"), the people who use it for such aren’t actual "comic book people." Most of the artists, writers, creators, et.al., in the industry want to be there -- they want to do comics -- not make movies, not make TV. I don’t want to say it’s a "calling" -- I believe that it is, but I’m not here to wax poetic -- but however you look at it, a lot of the people making comic books are doing so because they really want to, and they deserve better than this. And so do I. And you do, too!

I don’t want people to get turned-off by comics the way we were all turned-off to them back in the ‘90s, because it took 15 years for us to get back into them, only to have Marvel (and DC) PULL THIS SAME SHIT AGAIN! (I told you so I told you so I told you so!)

I want comic books to be a popular medium and pastime; I want Marvel Comics (and DC, and Dark Horse, and Image, and Bluewater, and Antarctic, et.al. ¹) to make money; I want to enjoy good product. What I'm saying is that these things are not mutually exclusive!

By churning out product and flooding the market, the publishers are forcing both retailers and readers/collectors to choose sides, as well as books, and that's not good! The Big Two could easily run a crossover event through multiple titles that not only boosts sales of flagging titles, but entertains the readers, and fulfills its purpose. Instead, they create separate mini/maxi -series, run their consequences through 10-12 different titles over the course of four or more months, slap-on another mini-series or two at the end, then rack a slew of one-shots. The result is nothing short of robbery.

Did you know that Iron Man got a total "reboot," so Tony Stark doesn't remember anything that happened in the last five years or so? Kinda like how Spidey made a deal with a devil to "forget" his marriage and the last 20 years of continuity. In other words, we all just bought thousands of dollars' worth of comic books to follow stories that never happened!

That's like paying for a concert at which the band walks onstage and says, "Goodnight!"

It's affecting the community, it's killing the hobby, and it's bad business all the way around -- to say nothing of the fact that it's sloppy work any hack off the street could do! And that makes me angry -- as a reader/collector/fan, as a creator, as a wannabe industry worker... on more levels than I can even think of without doing a full inventory. The Big Two have hundreds -- maybe thousands -- of complex, wonderful characters, and nearly 100 years of history, and these people just wring it out, hang it out to dry, then pull a Dallas. With straight faces, no less!

I've lost all respect for these "colleagues" of mine. I understand it's a paycheck; I understand these are properties; what I don't understand is why all of these people have the work ethics of a 16-year old fast food cashier! They should be ashamed, but it's probably hard to feel much of anything beneath a pile of cash.

I love comic books; I love the characters, the medium, the hobby of collecting -- the whole shebang; I honestly love them blindly, madly, passionately. Would you hacks kindly remove your collective dick?

---
¹ I'm leaving Dark Horse, Bluewater, and the rest out of this discussion because they don't pull this crap. Image is starting to, to some degree, but I can't blame them, either; it is a business and I'd like to see Image give the Big Two a run for their money, even if that means getting down to their level to do so. Besides, Image needs a good crossover event or two to establish the Image Universe's connectivity and continuity.

© C Harris Lynn, 2010