Lindsay Lohan Sentenced to 90 Days Jail, 90 Days Rehab

Lindsay Lohan brokedown as the judge ruled that LiLo must spend 90 days in jail, followed by 90 days in rehab. She must turn herself in by July 20^th at 8:30am to begin serving her sentence. The court asked her to surrender herself and begin serving her sentence immediately, but Lohan's lawyer pleaded that the actress be given two weeks to prepare.

Lindsay Lohan's sentence follows several, widely-reported "gaffs" in which her SCRAM bracelet lit-up, suggesting the actress may have been indulging in alcohol or drugs, but the judge pointed to a number of possible probation violations stemming all the way back to 2007, when Lindsay Lohan was first placed on probation.


Lindsay pleaded tearfully for leniency, saying she expected no special treatment, but that her work schedule was different from that  of most peoples'. RightOn, an alcohol program which monitors Lohan, said she had missed seven court-mandated classes over a 27-week period.


Michael Lohan was "dismay[ed]" over the sentence, which mother, Dinah Lohan, called "unfair," but said he was 'satisfied she is going to rehab.' He appeared on Larry King Live with Dr. Drew Pinski (called it, bitches!).


Some gossip sites reported earlier that Lindsay was served papers for a civil suit upon entering the court, but I've not confirmed that (cuz it's Midnight here and I'm lazy -- besides, I get to skate for the Drew Pinksi thing).

© C Harris Lynn, 2010

Warrant Issued for Lindsay Lohan

A bench warrant for Lindsay Lohan's arrest has been issued by the judge overseeing her case. Her bail has also been doubled. The rumormill held that Lohan's SCRAM bracelet went off Sunday night during an after-party for the MTV Awards, but until now, nothing had been confirmed.

The judge met with attorneys this afternoon, though Lohan was not present. Moments before the meeting, Lohan insisted she had been tested the day before and was not in violation; she claims a friend ("Johnny") put a "light-up bracelet" on her at a party and that started the rumors.

© C Harris Lynn, 2010

The Hoff's Ex-Wife Sentenced to Jail for DUI

Pamela Bach, formerly married to David Hasselhoff, turned herself in early to begin a three month prison sentence in a Los Angeles prison for DUI. Bach plead "no contest" to her second DUI charge last Thursday. She received 60 days for violating her probation from the first DUI, which she received in November of last year. Bach was not expected at the jail until next week, but her attorney said she "wants to do the right thing," and move-on with her life. She will not be allowed to drive for two years, once she is released.

Pamela Bach and David Hasselhoff were married for 16 years. She appeared as a cafe owner several times on Hasselhoff's Baywatch. "The Hoff" filed for divorce in 2006, citing "irreconcilable differences."

© C Harris Lynn, 2010

Heroes' Adrian Pasdar Arrested for DUI

Heroes star, Adrian Pasdar (Nathan Petrelli), was arrested at 3am this morning on suspicion of DUI. According to reports, police clocked him doing 50 miles over the speed limit and failing to maintain his lane. Upon approach, they claim to have smelled alcohol and gave Pasdar a field sobriety test. He was eventually arrested on suspicion of DUI, as Adrian Pasdar refused to take a Breathalyzer.

© C Harris Lynn, 2010

Tawny Kitaen's DUI

Former model and Witchboard actress, and Celebrity Rehab alumnus, Tawny Kitaen, was arrested on suspicion of DUI Saturday afternoon. Kitaen was operating a Range Rover in Newport Beach, California when she was stopped by a police officer who thought she might be under the influence of either drugs or alcohol. Kitaen's attorney did not return phonecalls from reporters.

Kitaen discussed her alcohol and drug addictions on the first season of VH1's Celebriy Rehab with Dr. Drew, a show much-loved by The Weirding. We wish Tawny Kitaen all the best in her recovery and hope Dr. Drew is already there.

© C Harris Lynn, 2009

Sutherland Humbled by Time in Jail

We make a lot of fun of celebrities driving under the influence, being On Dope, and so forth, but The Rundown is not obtuse. Yes, drinking and driving is a serious thing; yes, getting On and Off Dope is a serious matter; no, celebrities are not above the law. Part of why we poke so much fun of them when it comes to these things should be fairly obvious: they're freaking rich and famous and they get busted for driving drunk!? That's stupid! There's no excuse for it!

There is no excuse for you or me to get busted for driving drunk - it's bad, mmkay? - but it's understandable: things happen. The truth is that breathalizers will register you as drunk if you have had as little as a single glass of wine within the past so-many minutes. Still, if you make more money in a month than most people do in a year, you're a frigging moron for driving anywhere: get a damned driver! All that aside, as I said, things happen. And so it was that Kiefer Sutherland found himself arrested - yet again - for DUI sometime back, resulting in a 48-day stint in the county jail.

In a new interview, Sutherland discusses his time behind bars and expresses his regret.

But the real reason I am writing this is to discuss the larger matter of Kiefer Sutherland being sentenced to a public facility alongside rapists, murderers, and other violent offenders. While the modern point of imprisonment has been corrupted into scaring offenders straight, imprisonment should be considered a punishment in and of itself and the entire concept of "scaring people straight" should be condemned as cruel and unusual.

The truth is that incarceration should be about taking away a citizen's rights and freedom - which is a punishment! - not putting them into a corrupt system filled with abuses, abusive officers, and violent inmates. The "got what they deserved" adage - the current American justification, forwarded by a generation of self-absorbed narcissists who have left the world in one of the sorriest states in Man's short existence - means that, should they survive, maybe they "learned their lesson." But non-violent offenders are at a distinct disadvantage when locked-up alongside violent ones: they are, you know, non-violent people. Literally everything our parents and their parents stood for is wrong - all of it - and it is time we turn our backs on their ways and ideologies and work toward a better world.

I continue to push for American legal reform across the boards (judicial, penal - I mean, the system is broken, it does not work), but this very basic precept needs to be adopted immediately. While the country faces prison overcrowding to the extent that experts call it "pandemic," the idea that non-violent offenders should be imprisoned at all is questionable, but to jail them with truly antisocial, violent offenders is ludicrous! Further, it is socially irresponsible, morally reprehensible, and actually a threat to the outside population at-large.

The problem here is that Sutherland is a repeat offender and he's rich. He really did need to be "taught a lesson" and fining him wouldn't phase him. The issue is that Sutherland - and others like him - are not violent offenders, are not going to try to escape, and do not need to be incarcerated alongside violent and dangerous people! If the offending judge really wanted to "teach him a lesson," it would have been far more effective to force him into some sort of humiliating (not cruelly so) PSA - a billboard and TV campaign with his mugshot and so forth promenaded for all to see - or community service in a way that makes it a public point of shame (again, not overly so).

Sutherland's case aside, more of these celebrities need to stand-up to a system that is bullying all of us. Sue these people for discrimination, defamation of character - whatever you can get on them! - after all, they are using your fame against you to "set an example" for others and that is a clear and unjustifiable abuse of the legal system

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Punisher Punished for DUI

Actor Thomas Jane (The Punisher, The Mist) plead no contest to DUI in California and was sentenced to a year of probation, fined $1700, and forced to go to alcohol abuse classes. Jane was originally picked up for doing 120 mph in a Maserati.

Police stopped the actor three times last March for speeding. Charges of another DUI and drug possession were dismissed.

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Gary Coleman Struck a Pedestrian

Former child star, Gary Coleman, reportedly got into an argument at a bowling alley in Utah this weekend which ended with him hitting a pedestrian with his car.

Apparently, Coleman became agitated when the man photographed him without permission and the two argued inside the bowling alley. The argument carried outside and Coleman struck the man and his car while backing out. Police were called to the scene, but claim both parties were uncooperative and no citations were issued.

The pedestrian was taken to a local hospital, where he was treated for minor injuries. An investigation is ongoing.

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

How to Stop Drinking - A Labor Day Special

*THIS IS A TRUE STORY*

Now, I'm going to tell you this story for all sorts of reasons, but primarily because I am hoping someone will read this, put it together with everything else I have been through, and offer me their spare bedroom. Or maybe make me a kept boy... but not in that prison sort of way.

The other night, as I explained earlier, my friend of the female persuasion came by and we were going to enjoy one another's company. But she has another friend of the male persuasion and he kept calling her because he knew she was over here and she kept trying to explain to him... well, all sorts of things, but primarily that it was not the way he seemed intent on making it out to be. Of course, I had no problem with him coming over, so long as he wasn't looking for a fight. She assured me he was not.

In walks this baby-faced boy - all of maybe 22-23 (she just turned 26) - and he's all swelled-up. Just about the facial area, I mean; he was not a big guy, he was just puffed-up because he was so jealous. But I really did not care because... well, that's just how the MD rolls.

The first girl I really "dated" (as in I was dating the living hell out of her) was way too pretty - the perfect kind of girl to date when you are single and carefree, but also when you are about 25-30+ - and like this guy, I was just a kid and - as this guy proceeded to tell me throughout the night (over and over, ad nauseam) about our fair and mutual friend - she broke my little heart. After that, I moved straight on to... well, they prefer to call themselves "dancers." You learn quickly that, with young women in that occupation, the whole jealousy thing gets you nowhere but back in your mama's house. Alone. Needless to say, I have my moments, but by and large, I am not the jealous type. So I had no problem with dude hanging out and having a good time with us.

Well, he decided he was going to be all puffed-up for the better part of the evening. But I handled that. (If I told you how, you would L right OL, but taken out of context, you would also think me a ribald prick... regular readers already know this is true, so let's just say I'm erring in my favor on this one.) It was nothing violent nor was anything or anyone exposed - nothing like that - I can be a smart-mouth, but I'm no asshole. Still, let's just say I managed to break the ice a bit while staying just out of trouble with my female friend... and I mean just.

So as the evening wore on, and he continually impressed upon me how enamored he is of her and how she "breaks his heart" and blah and blahbity-blah, he finally started getting the message that I am not really in competition with him for her affections. And I truly am not. Still, you could tell he was upset, even though we both accommodated him as much as we could without allowing it to become a hindrance.

Anyway, I made a huge spread (BBQ chickens, sliced potatoes, chili beans, rice pilaf, and a can of biscuits), ate a plate, and offered him do likewise. He ate a piece of chicken but nothing else, and kept drinking. By this point in the evening, the puffy face was more from exhaustion and pure alcohol than anything else. A few more rounds of YouTube-surfing and I was out of the game; I went on to sleep.

Her ride woke me up when he finally arrived and I went to the bathroom. When I washed my hands, I was like, "EW!"

If you get the gist of where this is going, you can stop reading now... it gets much worse.

I walked back in the living room as they were explaining where he lived and where she was going and etc. and said, "Dude! Did you puke in my sink!?"

I really didn't mean to embarrass him and when he, wide-eyed, began declaring his innocence far too vehemently, I simply cut him short with, "It happens, just... gross!" My female friend agreed, "Yeah, gross!" Now I really felt bad for embarrassing the guy!

So yesterday, I was too hungover to do anything and there was this awful smell just everywhere. Of course, the leftovers were still on the stove, the trash was full, and the litter boxes needed cleaning. So... take your pick, you know? I was just too busted to do anything about any of it, so I dealt with it.

This morning, I lifted the lid to the trashcan and was physically assaulted by an odor the likes of which I refuse to describe. So I'm running down the list of what could possibly be in there that had gone so incredibly Bad that it bordered on pure Evil... pork, beef, chicken, various side dishes, catshit - there was a list of stuff it could have been, but in the back of my mind, I knew all of these things and more had been in the trash before, yet I had never before even imagined the acrid olfactory indecency with which I was now confronted.

I carried the entire can outside - I was not pulling that bag out and walking it across my home - and passed a neighbor. She physically gagged and swore aloud!

"I don't know what that is, but get it away from me!"

I apologized and brought the can into the shower, where I scoured it under hot water.

Sink down, trashcan - check... what the living hell is that smell!?

Again, a list of chores remained. So I emptied the litter boxes. The air cleared, but upon reentering the domicile, there was still a pungent presence which I was either going to have to find or build an altar unto and begin making sacrifices.

I emptied the leftovers on the stove and started pulling the dishes from the sink...

With each new dish I rinsed, the smell reintroduced itself. Everything was greasy. I kept thinking it was Italian Dressing and I kept wondering what in the world I had made with Italian Dressing!?

By this point, I was thinking someone had stuck a plate with all the food on it at the bottom of all the rest and whatever it once had been had mutated into a living, breathing beast made of pure hatred and halitosis.

By this point, whatever it was had stopped-up the drain and I was having to plunge it with my fingers. Mushy things were mushed and little bones were fished-out and the entire sink was filled with a swirling, oily morass. A fetid, hateful morass of the foulest stench!

And that's when it occurred to me:

Dude puked in my kitchen sink, my trashcan, my bathroom sink, my toilet, and my tub! I had been elbow-deep in the guy who is occasionally sharing a female with me all day long - and not in that "let's keep this between the three of us" sort of way!

So I scrubbed my arms to the elbow with concentrated dishwashing liquid, scoured the sinks with Mean Green, and then rewashed with bar soap. Then showered. Yet I cannot get that smell out of my nose!

And I'm basically out of groceries. All I have left is tuna fish salad, spoiled milk for making cornbread, a Crockpot full of white beans and neckbones that's about two weeks old, meatloaf, some cream style corn...

Wha-at? I told you it got worse!

Needless to say, I am guaranteed to be sober throughout the Labor Day Weekend. And my female friend called and was supposed to have been here like 5-6 hours ago, so I'm pretty sure wherever she is, she is not (sober). And she is not on her way over here (though she is very likely to pop-up late this evening and need gas money for her ride), so you got to hear the Lovecraftian story I was going to tell her about her young boyfriend's inability to hold his liquor... anywhere in my house!

Enjoy your BBQ and beer!

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Drucking Funk

I will not be working today, guys.

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Woman Holds Record for DUI

Janet Landrum was arrested for DUI in Florida this weekend, which is nothing new. That is to say, many people were arrested in Florida for DUI over the weekend... and this is Janet Landrum's 10^th time being arrested for DUI.

Technically, the first two DUI arrests are misdemeanors in most states; anything after three within a 10 year period is a felony arrest. If convicted, Landrum faces up to five years in prison.

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

LaBeouf's Hand Crushed

Transformers and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull actor, Shia LaBeouf, crushed his hand severely in what appeared to be a DUI accident last week in LA.

As we told you then, LaBeouf and a passenger were both injured when his truck hit a lightpole. LaBeouf was arrested for suspicion of intoxication but not formally charged. Now police are saying the other car involved may have run a red light.

LaBeouf underwent a four-hour operation on his hand and will remain under doctors' care until further notice. Transformers sequel (Revenge of the Fallen) director, Michael Bay, said the injury may be worked into the script. However, LaBeouf has yet to be cleared for work. He is still susceptible to infection and further complications, due to the nature of his injuries.

While the sheriff's office said LaBeouf was not at fault for the accident, it is unclear whether or not he will be charged for DUI.

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Shia LaBeouf DUI

Transformers and Indiana Jones star, Shia LaBeouf, has been arrested on suspicion of DUI, following a crash in the early morning hours in LA.

Both LaBeouf and his passenger were harmed in the accident, though the extent of their injuries is unknown at this time. LaBeouf was arrested on the scene but has yet to be charged.

© C Harris Lynn, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Sees Dead People

A judge is forcing Lindsay Lohan to work in a morgue as part of her DUI sentencing.

The program is not a new one; it is designed to show drunk-drivers the possible outcomes of their bad decisions. Further, Lohan will work in an ER. Her attorney said she has already attended rehab and done some other community service as part of her sentence.

Lindsay Lohan was arrested twice on DUI charges, the latest arrest included charges for possession of a controlled substance, as police found cocaine in her pocket when she was booked. Lohan said the cocaine was not hers - that the pants weren't even hers!

She served 84 minutes in jail.

Pulp Fiction Co-Writer Arrested for Manslaughter

Quentin Tarantino's co-writer on the classic blockbuster, Pulp Fiction, was arrested after he lost control of his car and wrecked it this weekend. The wreck killed one of Roger Avary's passengers who was visiting from Italy and the dead man's wife was ejected from the car and is listed in stable condition.

Roger Avary was arrested on suspicion of manslaughter and felony drunk-driving, then released on $50,000 bond. He recently co-wrote and executive produced Beowulf.

What's This "Chauffeur" You Speak Of?

Well, even more news to cement the fact that celebrities cannot handle their liquor:

• Kiefer Sutherland was officially sentenced to 48 days in jail for his September arrest on DUI charges. He pleaded no contest and was issued a $510 fine and ordered to attend an 18-month alcohol education class (this is how you pour the beer, this is how you beat the test), along with 6 months of AA meetings. As to the last part, I'm not sure how "anonymous" those meetings will be. Sutherland has until March 31^st to complete his time and he must spend all of it behind bars - no ankle bracelets, house arrest, or time off for work. The WGA strike makes filming for hit series, 24, a non-issue.
• Vivica A. Fox was arrested for DUI back in March and has pleaded "Not Guilty" to two counts. According to the police report, she used racist language toward the white officers and asked a black cop to "help a sister out." She was supposedly belligerent and racist throughout her stay. She turned herself in for processing earlier today. While she insists she was not drunk, no one doubts she is a racist.
• Scott Weiland, formerly of the massive 1990s' rock band, Stone Temple Pilots, and current lead-singer for Velvet Revolver was arrested for DUI over the weekend. This comes just days after Japan refused to allow the band to play a tour in their country and their Australian leg was canceled. Weiland's wife has also faced recent DUI charges.

Lohan's Countersuit

Lindsay Lohan has filed a countersuit against the man who filed a negligence suit against her seeking $200k in damages following a bang-up outside a trendy LA boutique.

As we reported sometime back, Lohan was involved in an accident that resulted in damages to both her car and at least one other. While the California Highway Patrol found Ortega guilty, he insisted Lindsay and pal(s) had been drinking at lunch and were speeding and they were to blame. He filed a suit against the actress a short while back, seeking muchos dinero in damages.

Now Lindsay has filed a countersuit for $75k, alleging that Ortega was indeed the driver at-fault. She is seeking money for damages to her vehicle, as well as her hospital bill. Lohan went to the hospital for leg and back pain. Ortega's lawyers call the Highway Patrol's report "hearsay."

Illegal Alien Who Killed Bob Clark Sent to Prison

This story makes me just plain sad to report. I would say mad, but I'm not allowed to get mad. Still, it touches on just about every, single thing we have covered here as to illegal immigration, beloved movie classics, and celebrities:

The man who killed director Bob Clark and his son in a DUI-related incident on April 4^th of this year has pleaded no contest to two counts of involuntary manslaughter. At the time of the accident, his BAC was 0.24 -- three times the legal limit; California state legal limit is 0.08. But, get this, the real kicker here is that the man, one Hector Manuel Velazquez-Nava, is an illegal alien.

Through a Spanish interpreter, Mr. Velazquez-Nava pleaded for the Clark family's forgiveness.

The judge over the case was reluctant to allow the plea bargain at first, turning it back over to the judge who had originally okayed the plea agreement, Judge Hector Guzman.

Bob Clark was the director of such classics as A Christmas Story, Porky's, and Black Christmas.

Nolo Contendre for Kiefer

Whoa! Kiefer Sutherland pleaded No Contest to charges stemming from a DUI arrest on September 25^th. He agreed to 48 days in jail - 30 for the DUI and 18 for violation of probation - as suggested by the DA! He is not eligible for any sort of ankle-braceleting or the like; he must spend 18 days in jail immediately after being sentenced in December, and then has until July to fulfill the rest of his sentence. Sutherland was also sentenced to 18 months in alcohol classes and 6-months of weekly alcohol-therapy sessions.

Kiefer was already on probation for a 2004 DUI, for which he served 50 hours of community service and attended an alcohol-treatment program, which he completed back in 2005.

FOX released a statement, praising the 24 actor for taking matters into his own hands in order to ensure things go smoothly for the hit show and his co-workers. At the end, they said they "looked forward to a long relationship" with him.

Lindsay Lohan Out of Rehab

Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab and said to be studying vigorously for her new role. On her way back to LA, her father, Michael Lohan, told reporters the 21-year old actress is "in a stronger place than ever."

As we have been reporting, Lindsay Lohan's most recent rehab stay was prompted by a series of DUIs and other unfortunate legal run-ins, all stemming from her inability to drive. While we jokingly suggested the actress' only real problem might be her driving, Lindsay Lohan made a public admittance last month, noting, "It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable, because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs."

Sources say that her therapeutic exercises included hiking, caring for horses, and journaling. The Rundown invites Lindsay Lohan to showcase her new-found journaling skills anytime in a fun, non-judgmental environment.

Of course, nakies are highly suggested. Nakies prove you are serious about your writing and will make everyone take you more seriously.