Horrorfest

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I was watching tv last weekend, when a commercial came on. I had already seen a banner ad for it online, and sure, it was scary, but it wasn't terrifying. But this commercial was for Horrorfest. The idea is that these are eight films that are too scary to release, but they are releasing them anyway. I gotta say, I agree with them. Even the commercial was too scary! If you have any interest at all in losing voluntary control of your bowels, you can buy tickets for one weekend only. After that, kiss these freaky films goodbye.

I think the thing that made them so frightening is that, with any wide-release horror movie, if it gets too scary, you can pull yourself out of it mentally by imagining them filming it. You can picture Sarah Michelle Geller walking around Japan with no socks, which is supposedly an erotic thing to do there. Then, when it gets to the gruesome scenes in The Grudge, you can laugh at how she's turned on many Japanese men with her faux pas. Silly Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Oh, you slay me, too!

Or maybe when Saw is cranking through its victims, you can remind yourself that Tobin Bell laid on the floor perfectly still for days because it was easier than paying someone to check the continuity of the pool of "blood." You can silently wonder how he performed bodily functions, despite being in a bathroom the entire time.

Or, then, there's the one about how the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre could only afford one shirt, and it had been dyed, so they couldn't wash it. It made Gunnar Hansen stink so badly that the cast wouldn't eat lunch with him. Thinking about that might make you laugh inappropriately while Leatherface is hanging the girl on the meat hook, but it's the only way of keeping your mind in one piece.

It's fight or flight, and you can see which one I'm picking.

What I'm getting at is that you can imagine the sets being a fun place to work. Everyone laughs when Pinhead breaks out of character and asks for an iced coffee. That kind of thing. With these eight movies, I cannot imagine them having fun on the set. I cannot imagine these monsters being any less scary when you watch them get their makeup applied over eight hours. These are horror monsters and horror movies.

Furthermore, it's got a REAL Japanese horror movie by the King of all Japanese Horror movies, Takashi Shimizu. Now, Ju-On, or the real Japanese Grudge didn't scare me. It confused me. This one looks scary. The name of his film for Horrorfest is Rinne, or "Reincarnation." Fantastic. Take a peaceful sort of concept, one that's not know for being gruesome, and make it scare people. Lovely. And that's one of the movies where I could actually watch the preview. I can't bring myself to watch Dark Ride, and it's 9AM on a sunny Tuesday morning.

Sorry guys, I'm out. I can't watch these. Forget not sleeping for weeks. I don't know that I'd ever manage to sleep again.