Now, I don't mean to sound cynical or cruel; I am not dismissive of this very credible tragedy. I hope and pray, like everyone else, that the miners are located, found alive, and brought out safely. But... that's all I'm going to say on the matter because - until there is some actual news to report - that's all there is to say. Everyone who can do anything is already there, doing what they can, and until something is accomplished, a brief update is all that should be needed.
So what the hell is up with the 32409327409324092843098 4350-hour news conferences every five damn minutes?
I am so sick of these jerks and their false humility, fake empathy, and total bullshit! This is a real news event and for as important as it is and as much as everyone across the nation is waiting for (hopefully) good news, this "TOP NEWS STORY," this "HEADLINE STORY WE'LL CONTINUE TO COVER SO WE CAN BRING YOU DEVELOPING NEWS AS IT DEVELOPS " would quickly become a top-of-the-hour update, if someone found where Lindsay Lohan is holed-up
I mean, there's an entire world out there and a whole lot of stuff is happening, but none of us know it! All we know about are the miners trapped in the mine who were mining in the mine when the mine collapsed and are now trapped in the mine. One of them was born in Kansas, where he used to dream of being a ballerina and enjoys original flavor bubblegum while listening to Kenny Loggins records because they remind him of that time at that dance when his girlfriend, Debbie Whose-It, gave him his first kiss. They were serving punch and that old jokester, Babby McGhee, put Sprite in it because he thought that's what it meant to "spike the bowl" but it actually tasted better that way, so everyone drank it and pretended to be drunk.
We'll talk to Debbie when we return.
HAIRCUT
Now, Debbie, we understand that you once dated the miner who was in the mine when the mine collapsed and is now trapped in the mine now that it collapsed. What was he like before he became a miner and the mine collapsed?
DEBBIE
Yes! SOB! We used to sit across from one another in Home-Ec - or was it Homeroom? - and then he asked me to the dance but I said no at first but he was kinda cut because he said he was gonna be a miner, so I said yes, and we went and once the punch got into me, we kissed.
DEBBIE
Yes! SOB! We used to sit across from one another in Home-Ec - or was it Homeroom? - and then he asked me to the dance but I said no at first but he was kinda cut because he said he was gonna be a miner, so I said yes, and we went and once the punch got into me, we kissed.
HAIRCUT
We understand Kenny Loggins was playing the night you kissed the miner who later went into mining and was in the mine when the mine collapsed and trapped the miner in the mine?
DEBBIE
Yes! SOB! I'll never forget that song. Kenny Loggins was big back then... or maybe it was Kenny Rogers.
We understand Kenny Loggins was playing the night you kissed the miner who later went into mining and was in the mine when the mine collapsed and trapped the miner in the mine?
DEBBIE
Yes! SOB! I'll never forget that song. Kenny Loggins was big back then... or maybe it was Kenny Rogers.
HAIRCUT
Wait! We have some breaking news about the miners trapped in the mine where they were mining when the mine collapsed. We're going now, live, to the 32409743097097698th press conference in the last hour...
Wait! We have some breaking news about the miners trapped in the mine where they were mining when the mine collapsed. We're going now, live, to the 32409743097097698th press conference in the last hour...
BEAT
FAT GUY
You'll have to forgive me because my voice is going because I have been so passionate about screaming at the top of my lungs, defending my practices. I have no news but I'd like to waste at least 34732497 more hours trying my best to convince you as to just how great a guy I am...
HAIRCUT
Well, it appears that the miners who were trapped in the mine when the mine collapsed while they were mining in the mine are still trapped in the mine, but they did say they have another scheduled press conference to let us know more about the miners trapped in the collapsed mine in less than .08 seconds. We're speaking with Debbie Whose-It who briefly knew one of the miners trapped in the mine where they mine.
Debbie, what would you like to say to everyone out there who is watching, waiting to hear the fates of the miners who mine and were trapped in the mine when the mine collapsed, trapping them in the mine?
Well, it appears that the miners who were trapped in the mine when the mine collapsed while they were mining in the mine are still trapped in the mine, but they did say they have another scheduled press conference to let us know more about the miners trapped in the collapsed mine in less than .08 seconds. We're speaking with Debbie Whose-It who briefly knew one of the miners trapped in the mine where they mine.
Debbie, what would you like to say to everyone out there who is watching, waiting to hear the fates of the miners who mine and were trapped in the mine when the mine collapsed, trapping them in the mine?
DEBBIE
I haven't seen the guy in over 30 years. Before he was trapped in the mine during the mining incident which collapsed the mine, trapping him and the other miners in the mine, I wouldn't have been able to recall his name! But now that he's trapped in the mine, I remember when the miner and I kissed once, briefly, in the 6th-grade at a school dance that I haven't thought about in 35 years. But I want everyone to know how sensitive and caring I am and how tight-knit our mining community is and how I pray every night that the miners trapped in the mine which collapsed when they were mining come out safely. Because I care about miners trapped in mines when they mine and the mine collapses because I am a good person, not just because this is my chance to be on TV.
I haven't seen the guy in over 30 years. Before he was trapped in the mine during the mining incident which collapsed the mine, trapping him and the other miners in the mine, I wouldn't have been able to recall his name! But now that he's trapped in the mine, I remember when the miner and I kissed once, briefly, in the 6th-grade at a school dance that I haven't thought about in 35 years. But I want everyone to know how sensitive and caring I am and how tight-knit our mining community is and how I pray every night that the miners trapped in the mine which collapsed when they were mining come out safely. Because I care about miners trapped in mines when they mine and the mine collapses because I am a good person, not just because this is my chance to be on TV.
HAIRCUT
We understand. I think everyone is interested in the miners who were trapped in the mine, as we most certainly are. I have been crying all day for the miners, as I'm sure you and everyone you know - along with all the hundreds of others you used to know 35 years ago but haven't seen since then and can't even remember their names - are too. Do you have any last words?
DEBBIE
Mine.
We understand. I think everyone is interested in the miners who were trapped in the mine, as we most certainly are. I have been crying all day for the miners, as I'm sure you and everyone you know - along with all the hundreds of others you used to know 35 years ago but haven't seen since then and can't even remember their names - are too. Do you have any last words?
DEBBIE
Mine.
HAIRCUT
Mine. Mine, indeed.
...Oh, P.S.: Someone get that old, fat guy a cross and some nails, would they?
WE GET IT! YOU CARE! YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT PERSON! WE KNOW!
Give me a fricking break before I lose my mine!
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