Friday, June 29, 2007

The *Worst* Movie Ever - Sleepaway Camp

Now, the title may be a bit misleading. There are a lot of bad movies out there and everyone has their own "worst." There's Rocky Horror Picture Show, Night at the Roxbury, that one that MST3K did with "Beef McLarge-Chunk," Battlefield Earth, Alien vs. Predator - there are a lot to choose from. But I have to let you in on the worst flick ever because it's coming on IFC tonight and you just HAVE to get a few good drinks in you and check this out.

Sleepaway Camp is so effing bad that every, single person who was involved in it should be brutally beaten about the head and neck with any blunt object, dragged outside, forced into congress with a mule, shot, buried in sand up to their heads and stoned, and drawn and quartered. In no particular order.

Sleepaway Camp is the movie which forced me to coin the term, "shitburger." Now, I'm not certain I actually invented that word, but the passion and ferocity with which it flew from my lips as the credits to this atrociously awful piece of (wait for it, wait) CAMP (aaarrggh!) rolled certainly made it feel original. It was like something you might say during an orgasm; it just spewed forth with a speed and eloquence which is only sometimes mimicked by really good actors and captured on film.

Sleepaway Camp sucks so hard, meteorologists blame it for Hurricane Katrina. Sleepaway Camp is so bad - so effing bad - you will be ashamed that you watched it, break out in sores, and check yourself into rehab. Sleepaway Camp is used at Guantanamo Bay and homosexual "cure" centers. Sleepaway Camp touched me in my No Place. Sleepaway Camp was the one driving Lindsay Lohan's car the night she crashed (the third - no, fourth - no, third time). Sleepaway Camp is Dr. Kevorkian's "secret method." In his confession, O.J. Simpson refers to Sleepaway Camp as "Charlie." Sleepaway Camp raped my dog, ate my baby, and stole my Bible.

So, tonight at 8 PM (CST) on IFC.

You cannot call any flick a bad movie until you have suffered through this shitfest first-hand.


Sleepaway Camp may cause anal leakage, sudden and intense outbursts of hatred aimed at your television, tunnel vision, night vision, lockjaw, substance abuse, anti-film hysteria, and has been shown to result in transgenderism in mice. Do not view Sleepaway Camp if you... at all. Finish entire movie unless a real doctor tells you otherwise. TAKE WITH ALCOHOL.


Manodogs said...

Alright, so it was 11:00. I could say I was trying to save you the pain, but... you know, I just didn't care.

Did you watch it?

That's the worst movie ever made. That movie... it's just the very worst movie ever made.

I have a personal grudge against everyone who had anything to do with that movie. I hate that movie so much.

Manodogs said...

I mean, that movie is so bad... that is the worst movie, ever.

That is THE worst movie. If you have seen a movie worse than that one, I... will watch it.

WTF is wrong with me? I have no one to blame. I hate myself for having seen this movie. I hate film for having been made.

I hate Thomas Edison. I hate Kodak Film. I hate... hate, hate this movie.

catlady said...

I'm still laughing - even though I'm also cringing at the thought of someone bursting out with "shitburger" during an orgasm (with me)! Think I'll give up sex for the rest of my life (maybe it won't be that long) so I never have to experience that.

Although, come to think of it, I just had a vision of Gary Oldman "spewing" out "shitburger" and it wasn't all that bad.

Of course, you realize I will now have to see this movie. I want to experience the intensity, the ferocity, the pure animalism with which you hate this movie. Hey, it's Saturday night and I haven't had a date in......a loooooong time.