Where Were You When...

It has become clichéd amongst those of our parents' generation to ask the time-honored question, "Do you remember where you were or what you were doing when you found out President Kennedy was shot?" In our lifetimes, it will probably become just as clichéd to ask that of the 9-11 bombings.

But let's be honest, the real question is: "Where were you when Paris Hilton was released from jail?"

It was literally just past 2:01 AM (CST) here and I had taken off my clothes and gotten into bed. I turned on Larry King Live to see who was on there and Harvey Levin was guest-hosting (repeat from earlier in the evening).

Suddenly, a voice interrupted and the picture skewed. I was looking at a glass door, past a throng of people. Paris was being released.

I flipped through the news channels and they were all covering The Glass Door.

At 2:17 AM, a waif-like Paris coyly made her way down the roped-off, makeshift runway and eventually broke into a modest trot to her parents' black Escalade, where she was embraced. Within moments, she disappeared into the vehicle and was whisked away.

At 2:17 AM (CST), America died a little.

But just a little.

GET OFF THE STREETS, YOU BROKE BITCHES!

GET OFF THE STREETS, YOU BROKE BITCHES!

Paris Hilton is like so getting out of jail Tuesday. While you're going to hear far more about this than you really care to over the next few days, we got in on the Paris train (and then stood in the shower and poured Peroxide over our naughty bits for an hour while shaking and crying) and we're gonna Own It.

My feelings changed as the story went on, but I'm human. At the end of the day, I hope Paris Hilton finally sees America for what it is, fires her illegal immigrant employees, refuses to pay her taxes, and spends her millions of dollars actually trying to make the world a better place instead of incorporating her personality and image into yet another "autonomous entity" free from the scrutiny of such wee, little people as We.

Let the Revolution begin!

• Episode 1: Paris' Mama Cries
• Episode 2: Paris Reads (with Apologies to Cerebus)
• Episode 3: I'm, Like, SO Over It
• Episode 4: The Hiltonian Democracy
• Episode 5: Bridge
• Episode 6: A Little On and Off
• Episode 7: It's Not Right! Mom!
• Episode 8: Paris, Unwitting Activist
• Episode 9: The Rundown on Helium
• Episode 10: The Grasshopper and the Aunt

Now that you see how it feels to be treated like the rest of us, Paris... can we count on a contribution to our cause?

Paris Back in Jail

The LA Sheriff's Department held a news conference earlier this morning and announced that Paris Hilton has been moved from the Twin Towers medical ward in which she was being housed, back to the jail "module" in which she was originally placed. The spokesperson (may have been the Sheriff himself, I am not sure, as I was half-asleep) said she had been moved because her health status was stabilized and she seemed to be doing better.

He also said "module" like 345097128980 times and was very specific about it: "mah-jewel."

Sometimes, a RPG adventure is called a "module." Just, just throwing it out there. It's largely antiquated now, but I digress.

CNN reported that Paris Hilton will spend approximately 80% more time in custody than others who have been similarly charged.

I'm just waiting for the outcry from AL Sharpton or Gloria Allred.

Oh, wait.

Paris' Aunt on Greta Van Susteren

Paris' aunt was on Greta van Susteren last night and I made this little post, but was too sleepy to complete it. Still, I'm glad I did because I'd all but forgotten it until I checked the posts today and I think it's pretty important:

So, if Paris really knew her license was suspended and was so into flaunting the law, there's no way she could have missed the paparazzi following her, was there? No one's brought that up, and to be honest, it even slipped my mind! But like Paris' aunt said, the girl can't go anywhere in town without "60 cars" following her.

But, with that in mind, I don't recall any pictures of Paris' run-in with the law, so if these paparazzi were following her the night she was stopped (and I'm generally inclined to believe they probably were), we would have seen those pics by now. Of course, I'm on dial-up and anything takes like 4 years to download over here, so I don't comb the web, looking for these things; if such pictures do exist, I may just not have seen them. I find that hard to believe, given the extensive media coverage surrounding this event; they would definitely have shown the pics of her talking to the cops over and over, ad nauseam by now, and I haven't seen them.

So, to whatever extent, Paris Hilton's aunt did a damned good job of obfuscating the situation, if nothing else. She certainly had a very "plausible" explanation for everything that we judgmental prigs have misinterpreted - such as how they were delayed on the way to court due to a blocked private entrance while trying to avoid the media throng at the public entrance.

I mean, she made some good points, and we're pretty sure some pictures of Paris in jail have been suppressed (though it remains unconfirmed), so there may very well be some pictures of Paris' run-ins with the law that we just haven't seen yet, but I have a feeling we'd have seen them by now. I mean, anyone with those images would be savvy enough to realize the market value for them topped-out a while back.

Beverly Hills, 9818783

What can I say? In for a penny, in for a pound; I've been waiting all day for new Paris news because I just can't help it. I'm hooked; it's some inexplicable medical condition I can't explain.

Paris' agent has signed-off on the celebrity. This was apparently done in a corporate-wide e-mail last Friday when the whole fit hit the shan. Sheriff Lee Baca - no relation to Chewie - is being forced to write a report, detailing why he felt Paris Hilton should have been released early against the judge's express wishes. Obviously, this has left a hole as big as... well, a big hole in the system, allowing pretty much any Left-wing radical to file a lawsuit, claiming their client has the same or similar "medical issues," and no less than the race-baiting hatemongerer and demagogue, Al Sharpton, and professional dipshit, Gloria Allred have stepped up to the plate.

Though, I have to admit that Allred's claim at least has some merit, as her client was disallowed the use of her prosthetic leg! Of course, it could obviously be used as a weapon, but still.

Baca really fouled this one up and now, questions of Hilton-affiliated contributions fueling his decision to release her early have surfaced - but then, that was really at the center of this whole thing to begin with, wasn't it?

Anyway, Paris, if you're reading this on your Blackberry? I don't even care how you got it in there - I won't ask - just please say something quotable soon! You are my air.

The Sheriff's Press Conference

The sheriff held a news conference earlier in which he first discussed the problem of overcrowding in the system, but then confirmed that he had [a] medical document(s) upon which he based his decision to release socialite, Paris Hilton.

Speaking obscurely, he said that he was made aware that Ms. Hilton was not taking a medication she needed while she was in jail. The sheriff also said the attorneys requested the judge learn about the medical condition in chambers, but the judge refused. This SMACKS of something drug-related, but we don't want to SPEEDily make any presumptions.

The sheriff then later said the jail did have ways to handle some medical conditions, including drug addiction, but made specific mention of Mental Illnesses, which makes me HURL toward another speculated disorder with which she has often been linked, but I don't want to just regurgitate rumors I've heard. He then noted that there were a lot of homeless people and others with mental illness that he does not feel belong there and would be better served in a different institution. Later, he noted that they don't even know when prisoners enter whether they have potentially life-threatening illnesses, such as Diabetes. Toward the end, he said that if Paris needs medications, then the jail can provide them...

He then mentioned that her sentence was back to the original 23 days.

Basically a cavalcade of contradictions and uncertainties that leave us with no more practical knowledge that we had going in not to mention that they cut away before the conferences had completely ended.

I'm sure they'll be showing more of it as time progresses, so we'll keep you apprised.

Thank God for Paris

Don't ask me why or how, but Paris Hilton is already making international headlines for "doing well" in jail. Um, didn't she just go in there? I think she did. I just said the other day how I was tired of hearing about her, but it's inevitable. I mean, international headlines!

Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum dressed up their Paris Hilton mannequin in a black and white pinstripe outfit. Honestly, the world-famous wax museum can mock her as long as it pleases because they have to own-up to the fact that they even have a Paris Hilton wax mannequin! And the tabloids have to do the same. These people are profiting off her celebrity and it's the same old story: they created her to destroy her and now they'll move on to the next young victim, whom they'll raise up just to tear down.

But a lot of people are saying that this little prison stint will actually boost her "career." Hang on: what exactly does she do again? What is this "career" she's got going? She's already got a book deal when she gets out! WHY?! I was shocked to learn she can read, much less write!

The whole thing's just ridiculous. But thank God for Paris; so long as she's around, there's never a slow news day.